Damn I thought I posted this up a couple of days ago, but guess not which sucks. Well with no further ado,
I've always been an easy going person, albeit very shy until you truly know me. A smile is normally presented on my face, a sincere smile in fact, and when I speak its always kindly. I am usually very reserved and rarely overreact to something, instead always trying to be understanding and thinking things through. This combined with being very shy has made me a much more independent person. In fact even when hanging out with good friends, I still prefer a smaller gathering of maybe six to ten people instead of as many as possible.
Now I'm not exactly complaining about my personality or saying its bad or anything. I just want to explain it fully for all can connect and understand what I'm beginning to see has influenced my desires and feelings of feminization and crossdressing.
When I see the true girly girls in the world and within movies I see a strong opposite of my personality. They are bubbly, engaging, emotional, chatty,and live in the now without ever over thinking their actions. They always look like they are having fun. Its a world I only get to view from the outside but wonder and get excited by the idea of living within it.
This is where the crossdressing comes into play. To me, its a window into that world. When I'm fully dressed it helps my mind open up and embrace those feelings. At first its just acting and pretending, but over time it becomes habit and allows for a small temporary personality shift. I'm not talking split personalities, but more of letting down my guard to allow my emotions to seep through. Then this is where underdressing can become important. I don't do it often at the moment, but will be trying to in the near future, but it is a constant reminder for me to act more feminine and try to be more bubbly and engaging. Kind of like forcing myself to simply lean out of my comfort zone slightly.
As I said, I'm not entirely ashamed of my personality or outlook on life, but I do see the benefits of adapting parts of the opposite style, the girly girl life. Of course I do have to add in the sexual thrill I have always gotten from all of this too, I just wanted to explain what I'm beginning to realize what has helped this interest continue since it's started.
So thanks for listening to my inner thoughts as I try to collect and arrange them coherently. I expect more post like this in the future as these realizations appear to me. I know there is a whole lot going on within my subconscious that is guiding my decisions and I am highly intrigued in uncovering as much as I can.
